“Let today… be the first day of my renewed creation.”
For about the last six months, I have been mostly free from the symptoms of depression, but recently, within the last few weeks, I have again begun the struggle against self-hate, doubt, anger, worthlessness, and hopelessness. This has been one of the first times I have recognized the symptoms creeping up on me, rather than only realizing my situation after I was in the depths of full-blown depression. I consider that to be a minor victory, in that now I can put to use the strategies I’ve learned to avoid reaching the points of complete despair I have experienced in the past.
That said, the past month has been difficult, and I have been struggling with the aforementioned feelings and emotions, ongoing negative self-talk, and acceptance of my value, worth, and purpose. Each day has been its own private struggle; not the worst I’ve experienced, by any means, but not easy. Not even close to easy. This daily struggle and the emotional toll it takes to work against depression have therefore, understandably, dominated my thoughts and actions.
It was on my mind again this morning, as I sat waiting in my car to meet up with some family for an event. I used the time to read today’s Sacred Space reflection on today’s Pentecostal Gospel reading; this is a practice I used to do almost daily, but recently, and regrettably, have not made time for. I use the Sacred Space e-book, which guides readers through about 5 minutes of prayer, including the daily Gospel and a short reflection. A piece of today’s reflection resonated positively with me today, as it addressed renewal and the ability to begin each day anew in the Lord.
“Holy Spirit, I welcome you now into my small heart. Let today be the “first day of the week” for me… the first day of my renewed creation. Let us celebrate this together.” Let today be the first day of my renewed creation. Each day, we are given the opportunity to meet not only ourselves but the Lord in prayer, reflection, action, stillness, and honesty. Every day is an opportunity for renewed creation, no matter what happened yesterday, or last week, or last month. I am not asked to be a perfect creation; for I will never be. But to be renewed, is to be open to the possibilities to love and live as God wants us to.
The phrase speaks to me of something that is empowering in an entirely non-aggressive way. In it, I hear that it is okay that I don’t feel my best right now; it is okay that I take it slow; it is okay that to have doubts, fears, and unhappiness. I am not asked to be something I am not, rather, I am renewed each day to the possibility of something more: of healing, love, hope, revival, understanding, knowledge, and mercy. These things God wants for all His creations, if only we allow ourselves the opportunity.
Thoughts for a Sunday evening.
Let today, Lord, be the first day of my renewed creation.